Growing-Up

Let's start by saying if you are a 70's 80's kid you did not have it easy and I am proud of you for making it. I will say that a lot of us did not get the mental training to have self-audit and monitor our emotions properly, myself included, takes a minute or two to navigate the particulars of your psyche that never got addressed or sorted through. Can be a bitch if you let it. It can also tear down the walls of friendships and families. I know first hand.

 I know this may come as a shock but...I've grown up. I don't give a ducks fart of a fuck about your sob story, your feelings, or whatever you are going through once you start flinging names and threatening. I know, for a fact, you are reaching for a specific outcome and none will be had. The amount of amazing fuckery I have gone through with family and friends these past few years gives me a license to do unto others but, I don't! People will satisfy their suffering for the deconstruction of another especially if, in similar circles, they are spotlight as a victim. (This explains Portland perfectly) When we look back at our actions in times stressed or troubled in our hearts. When we lashed out in pain towards simple resolution, we have failed. I'm not mad. No need to try and fix it. No need to do anything. You have shown the world who you are. We can only move forward from here. 

communication

What a fucking joke!

 Trying to talk to certain people is like a monkey fucking a coconut. No matter what you try to do to have a conversation with your so-called friends who should know you is a fucking shit-show. Preaching to people who don't take their time to be a good friend and listen or speak is the taxing portion of my last few years and Im not doing it anymore. I've endured atrocities just like anyone else but am willing to do the hard work, why aren't they? Im not asking for the moon and stars. Im asking for respect and compassion. Waiting almost two months to have a fucking simple conversation isn't communication. It's a chokehold and sabotage to set someone up to fail a test they didn't ask to take. I am so fucking tired of people and catering to their wants and bullshit. What about my wants and bullshit? Am I not hurting as well? Are we not friends? Do we not have respect for one another? Guess not. I would never make anyone wait for months on end to resolve a simple miscommunication. What's the fucking point to that? Who benefits from this? No one. Resentment and story are all that are being created without proper conversation.

I don't pigeon hole people to take the fall. I respect my friends and their words, why can't anyone do this for me? What the fuck is wrong with me that people can't talk to me but dump all their shit on me and expect me to show up every time they have a mental breakdown? Im. Fucking out!

Friends Family and the Forbidden Fruits

When the planets align in your favor, be prepared. I have been working in myself more and more, noticing the faults and follies of my repeat offenders trying to remember to be kind with myself, with my words...kinda. Honestly, I'm trying to be a better person. I believe the universe is pruning my garden to lend room for what's to come however, I don't believe anyone deserves to be placed in such suffering which would cause you to let go of your entire family. Mine actually does.

I have had the misfortune of being a pawn in several ex-s ploys to drive a selfish point home. No matter what the age nor the experience I gained along the way, I am reminded that the men I chose are patterns of a negative look I have on men and myself. I never thought my family would play a part in my dislike. My big sister slept with my ex-boyfriend and his cousin in one sitting, so im being told on the 50th birthday of another sister. I was then told that most, if not all, sisters have had sex with my ex. Have I ever told you how much I hate/love my family? Well...pretending you don't care and actually not caring are very different. I wish I didn't care. I had to pretend an entire week as if everything is fine, all is well and we still love each other. I am not a good liar. I don't pretend well either. If I don't like you, I just don't like you. Being nominated for the academy award for best-supporting actress in a critically claimed drama would go to me this round. I avoided her like the plague and smoked marijuana all day.

The next day, we casually went to the mall to walk off lunch and purchase some items. I'm not a mall person. Had a full-on anxiety attack while trying to be the better person. Tis better to leave in silence than make a scene so I left promptly after. My life with my blood family no longer exists. I cry every day whether I am aware of the reason or it.
There was a desire to elaborate on feelings and situations but what's the point? My family betrayed me and so have past lovers and so-called friends.

No resolve. This is the end.

POC, LGBTQ, Immigrants

Maybe I'm not the person to speak about this. Maybe I'm not accurate with my findings. Maybe I'm just off the cuff with too much emotion but I will say this...

Since we obviously don't want to backlash those who are contributing, I offer this. STOP! Stop spreading the media's malaise to one another because we all know what humans are doing to other humans and it doesn't help anyone to hold those visions in our minds when they live there on a permanent. We know, more than any other grouping in the U.S, what it feels like and how we have been treated since day one, why continue to spread that ugliness? Try to find the pieces that are helpful with and for your community. If there is new insight about Trump's delusions and they are true and you think by sending this information out will be helpful to others then by all means, share. But, if this information being shared tears down more of our fabric, energy, morales, spirit then dont. I ask you not to feed the hungry baby because he will just continue to eat.

As an alternative to the built-up energy that seems to be festering in us all, go out and dance, sing, walk with friends, run with strangers, meditate with your community, hug something/someone, visit family, tell someone you live them, invite conversation that fills your soul, make love under the stars/sun, go do something that takes a moment out of your day and head space to replenish so that when mportant decision need to be made, you are doing it with a clear heart and mind. #peacebdajourney

Teaching the Unlearned

I work with a young girl who is beautifully mixed in history and in ethnicity. She makes comments about "White People" often that is disturbing and borderline bigotry, she thinks she is being honest and upfront which will make people like her, youth. I remember making such claims and boasting how black I am and stamping my insignia everywhere I went, taxing. Trying to reason with someone like this only threatens their very way of coping with what they believe they are missing and they aren't missing anything but themselves. I know from  my own experience that what people see on the outside does not matter. It took me a long time to realize this notion and make it a part of me, find comfort within myself, not everyone needs to like you. Hating the people who make up your genetic background  is the very definition of self hate. Excluding parts of you only keeps you from the whole picture that was painted perfectly with you in mind. She says things that cringes the hairs that prick on the back of my neck sending shockwaves of sick down to my legs making them weak with every syllable. It's been a month listening to her rants about "White People" and I had had enough so I walked up to her and said a few things.

Me: When you speak like that about "White People" like you do, it doesn't make me want to engage. I don't live like that anymore. I am not full of hate. I do not want to live there again because it taints your soul and destroys the the very essence  which we are connected.
Her: And what would that be?
Me: Human.
Her: When you say things like that, it's like you are denying who you are.
Me: I said nothing of the sort and you heard what you wanted to hear. I love me. I know who and what I am. I am not a bigot looking to find answers in societies prison mind game; those days are passed. I only want to connect with other humans in a positive way.
Her: That doesn't make any sense to me.
Me: It will in time, your young.
Her: When you say I am young it's a slap in the face. I don't ever want to feel any other way, I have earned this feeling. I like where I am.
Me: As you should.
Her: I don't get where you are coming from.
Me: You will in time, your young compared to my 38 years on the planet during the 70's and early 80's where bigotry was in your face and unapologetic. Youth and the millennia on your side, times are different. You have no concept of scraping your skin off because everyone hated that color and told you in your face. You have no idea about being hit in the chest at 40mph with jello being called a "Nigger". You have no idea what real fighting looks like because of the time we live currently. You only know of what is present on t.v. and in movies getting mad at yesterday and forgetting the fruits and gifts of today, you are young.
Her: I still don't understand what you are saying. I know that you deny your black heritage.
Me: You have no idea who or what I am until I tell you, we don't know each other but I do know your kind. Seeking validation in a world who doesn't see your blackness because your mixed. Trying to fit in and not belonging to anything or any group. Desperately clinging to  the piece of you that hasn't been sold while hating the parts that have nurtured you all this time, I know you. I have seen your kind. I have lost many friends to this notion.

 The conversation goes on and on like this because the youth did not get the kind of training we did as young black kids. The youth did not get the kind of understanding we did as young black kids. The youth of today is silver spoon fed jerks who believe they are entitled just by breathing have not worked a day in their lives to wear that angst like the rest of us older parties who have struggled with our identity and our place on this planet but they will someday and then again, maybe they won't. I am not a big fan of youth today, in some regard, due to lack of ambition and whining, they whine a lot. They whine about shit that we would just go out and do because that's just how it was. Today's youth are spoiled beyond necessity confinding mentally shredding their natural know how and could use a bit of humble pie deep in their faceholes. If I hear one more black youth tell me they want to be surrounded by other black people so that their shame is washed away by proxy I'll have to go insane and pour gasoline to their tightly coiled asshole and set them on fire. There is nothing worse than black youth hating their own skin and heritage while spreading ignorance publically. Hate begets hate, evil begets evil, stupid...you can sometimes fix but it seems to be forever in society. I have fought my way through the goblin city only to find what I already knew in my heart, I am a perfectly flawed American mutt whose history and heritage is rich like the soil to Mother Earth and vast like Father Sky. I am a part of everything big and small and the best and worst of humans. There is no rescue from outer space. Planet Nigris does not exist and there will be no one to come for us and take us home because we are already here. Once you embrace that every life is precious and that the only difference is skin color and how we were raised, things get easier and less one sided. If I could tell that young lady whose spirit is darkened by what she hopes to find out once the veil is lifted and have her truly hear what I am saying, would be a gift but that is not the world we live in and I am not a sherpa for lost black youths. I am my own island full of my own sharks waiting to take a taste of my beaten down soul when I fail to realize this notion of we are indeed one and they have not had the pleasure of my seasoning on their tongue either. It's not my job to teach every person who has this affliction but it is my duty to throw out wisdom wrapped in candy coated truth so that when they swallow it down it isn't as bitter as the rest of the world would serve it. I do that daily, isn't that enough? People say you learn when you teach, could be true for some. I never stop learning. If arrogance tried to wear me down like this young lady I would have given up long long ago, but I'm stubborn. I want peace. I want to be whole. I want to not forget but forgive. I want find that common place where my words don't hurt and someday I might but for this particular piece of unwanted bigotry competition dickery, I respectfully decline the invite.   Peace B Da Journey <3 p="">

Why Bother...?

Because you should at least try to understand the human race whether or not you agree or disagree, we are bonded by that genius human. 
Because it's the right thing to do and a very tasty way to confront your demons head on so that they remember you are in charge of them when you need them not the other way around.
Because the time is right now to take back what dignity you have left from all the partying and drugging and whoring to finally give something back besides your sperm or vagina.
Because the world needs more of our light, love and for the universe's sake energy that you have been wasting you whole life towards nothing and no one and everything that has nothing to do with...
Because now is all you have and tomorrow may never come.
Because that's how you give towards your karmic bank and fill it for someone else's faults to learn from and not keepsake this as your get out of jail free card.
Because...

Back in the Saddle

So I haven't really tried to write in a long time. I thought I would take some input or life or I was just too fucking lazy to do anything, mode. So I drank a bit, got hammered dog shit drunk, a few times, then turned my life completely into hermitsville. I work, I come home and hang out for a few, go to my Ma'am cave, smoke some pot and hit the yoga for an hour or more....because I can. Notice there wasn't a phone call nor a," I'm going to hang out with so-and so because it's Tuesday"...no. I don't hang out anymore and mainly because  of all the hustle and shit you have to maintain and talk about and socializing. I am done with the whole," Where are you from? What do you do? Who do you know at this party? Wanna go fuck in the bathroom", that type of thing. By the way, no one ever says that shit or I would get laid more often. People aren't personal any longer. Conversations that use to hold merit no longer drive up a stinking conversation let alone grab anyones attention. People today need instant gratification. Give me now! Gibe me more! Give me everything you got and then some, but the beast keeps crying louder and louder and louder.
This is exactly what I am saying, my head goes five millions places when I don't pay attention and write, shit goes ape shit! My mind will have one story to tell you but there's is this other interesting story that ties into the first story which will explain the second and third story, if you are patient we will all get though this. It is that very moment when I want to shoot my own head up my own ass. I know I know I am smarter than what I am writing but I truly can not stop. Jibberish is just running a muck. I had a point and now it has me...again. Not sure if anything I say makes sense but the point I am trying to make is that I have written in a ling time an dam mow finding out that I really am not writing towards anything or any specific goal so.....why the fuck do I write? I do not know anymore. I use to write to get all the anger out that kept me from being me around anyone. I kept fucking myself over and over and didn't realize that I am already fucked. Spitting out garbage just to hear the sound of anyone's voice other than my own and revoking the strange company who would have been good company. Here I am again telling you how anti-social I have become and you can't imagine why? I am trying to figure some shit out. I have these things in my head that tell me to....wait, that's not right. I've heard these things say to me...

Are they still listening?