communication

What a fucking joke!

 Trying to talk to certain people is like a monkey fucking a coconut. No matter what you try to do to have a conversation with your so-called friends who should know you is a fucking shit-show. Preaching to people who don't take their time to be a good friend and listen or speak is the taxing portion of my last few years and Im not doing it anymore. I've endured atrocities just like anyone else but am willing to do the hard work, why aren't they? Im not asking for the moon and stars. Im asking for respect and compassion. Waiting almost two months to have a fucking simple conversation isn't communication. It's a chokehold and sabotage to set someone up to fail a test they didn't ask to take. I am so fucking tired of people and catering to their wants and bullshit. What about my wants and bullshit? Am I not hurting as well? Are we not friends? Do we not have respect for one another? Guess not. I would never make anyone wait for months on end to resolve a simple miscommunication. What's the fucking point to that? Who benefits from this? No one. Resentment and story are all that are being created without proper conversation.

I don't pigeon hole people to take the fall. I respect my friends and their words, why can't anyone do this for me? What the fuck is wrong with me that people can't talk to me but dump all their shit on me and expect me to show up every time they have a mental breakdown? Im. Fucking out!

Friends Family and the Forbidden Fruits

When the planets align in your favor, be prepared. I have been working in myself more and more, noticing the faults and follies of my repeat offenders trying to remember to be kind with myself, with my words...kinda. Honestly, I'm trying to be a better person. I believe the universe is pruning my garden to lend room for what's to come however, I don't believe anyone deserves to be placed in such suffering which would cause you to let go of your entire family. Mine actually does.

I have had the misfortune of being a pawn in several ex-s ploys to drive a selfish point home. No matter what the age nor the experience I gained along the way, I am reminded that the men I chose are patterns of a negative look I have on men and myself. I never thought my family would play a part in my dislike. My big sister slept with my ex-boyfriend and his cousin in one sitting, so im being told on the 50th birthday of another sister. I was then told that most, if not all, sisters have had sex with my ex. Have I ever told you how much I hate/love my family? Well...pretending you don't care and actually not caring are very different. I wish I didn't care. I had to pretend an entire week as if everything is fine, all is well and we still love each other. I am not a good liar. I don't pretend well either. If I don't like you, I just don't like you. Being nominated for the academy award for best-supporting actress in a critically claimed drama would go to me this round. I avoided her like the plague and smoked marijuana all day.

The next day, we casually went to the mall to walk off lunch and purchase some items. I'm not a mall person. Had a full-on anxiety attack while trying to be the better person. Tis better to leave in silence than make a scene so I left promptly after. My life with my blood family no longer exists. I cry every day whether I am aware of the reason or it.
There was a desire to elaborate on feelings and situations but what's the point? My family betrayed me and so have past lovers and so-called friends.

No resolve. This is the end.