Friends Family and the Forbidden Fruits

When the planets align in your favor, be prepared. I have been working in myself more and more, noticing the faults and follies of my repeat offenders trying to remember to be kind with myself, with my words...kinda. Honestly, I'm trying to be a better person. I believe the universe is pruning my garden to lend room for what's to come however, I don't believe anyone deserves to be placed in such suffering which would cause you to let go of your entire family. Mine actually does.

I have had the misfortune of being a pawn in several ex-s ploys to drive a selfish point home. No matter what the age nor the experience I gained along the way, I am reminded that the men I chose are patterns of a negative look I have on men and myself. I never thought my family would play a part in my dislike. My big sister slept with my ex-boyfriend and his cousin in one sitting, so im being told on the 50th birthday of another sister. I was then told that most, if not all, sisters have had sex with my ex. Have I ever told you how much I hate/love my family? Well...pretending you don't care and actually not caring are very different. I wish I didn't care. I had to pretend an entire week as if everything is fine, all is well and we still love each other. I am not a good liar. I don't pretend well either. If I don't like you, I just don't like you. Being nominated for the academy award for best-supporting actress in a critically claimed drama would go to me this round. I avoided her like the plague and smoked marijuana all day.

The next day, we casually went to the mall to walk off lunch and purchase some items. I'm not a mall person. Had a full-on anxiety attack while trying to be the better person. Tis better to leave in silence than make a scene so I left promptly after. My life with my blood family no longer exists. I cry every day whether I am aware of the reason or it.
There was a desire to elaborate on feelings and situations but what's the point? My family betrayed me and so have past lovers and so-called friends.

No resolve. This is the end.

POC, LGBTQ, Immigrants

Maybe I'm not the person to speak about this. Maybe I'm not accurate with my findings. Maybe I'm just off the cuff with too much emotion but I will say this...

Since we obviously don't want to backlash those who are contributing, I offer this. STOP! Stop spreading the media's malaise to one another because we all know what humans are doing to other humans and it doesn't help anyone to hold those visions in our minds when they live there on a permanent. We know, more than any other grouping in the U.S, what it feels like and how we have been treated since day one, why continue to spread that ugliness? Try to find the pieces that are helpful with and for your community. If there is new insight about Trump's delusions and they are true and you think by sending this information out will be helpful to others then by all means, share. But, if this information being shared tears down more of our fabric, energy, morales, spirit then dont. I ask you not to feed the hungry baby because he will just continue to eat.

As an alternative to the built-up energy that seems to be festering in us all, go out and dance, sing, walk with friends, run with strangers, meditate with your community, hug something/someone, visit family, tell someone you live them, invite conversation that fills your soul, make love under the stars/sun, go do something that takes a moment out of your day and head space to replenish so that when mportant decision need to be made, you are doing it with a clear heart and mind. #peacebdajourney

Teaching the Unlearned

I work with a young girl who is beautifully mixed in history and in ethnicity. She makes comments about "White People" often that is disturbing and borderline bigotry, she thinks she is being honest and upfront which will make people like her, youth. I remember making such claims and boasting how black I am and stamping my insignia everywhere I went, taxing. Trying to reason with someone like this only threatens their very way of coping with what they believe they are missing and they aren't missing anything but themselves. I know from  my own experience that what people see on the outside does not matter. It took me a long time to realize this notion and make it a part of me, find comfort within myself, not everyone needs to like you. Hating the people who make up your genetic background  is the very definition of self hate. Excluding parts of you only keeps you from the whole picture that was painted perfectly with you in mind. She says things that cringes the hairs that prick on the back of my neck sending shockwaves of sick down to my legs making them weak with every syllable. It's been a month listening to her rants about "White People" and I had had enough so I walked up to her and said a few things.

Me: When you speak like that about "White People" like you do, it doesn't make me want to engage. I don't live like that anymore. I am not full of hate. I do not want to live there again because it taints your soul and destroys the the very essence  which we are connected.
Her: And what would that be?
Me: Human.
Her: When you say things like that, it's like you are denying who you are.
Me: I said nothing of the sort and you heard what you wanted to hear. I love me. I know who and what I am. I am not a bigot looking to find answers in societies prison mind game; those days are passed. I only want to connect with other humans in a positive way.
Her: That doesn't make any sense to me.
Me: It will in time, your young.
Her: When you say I am young it's a slap in the face. I don't ever want to feel any other way, I have earned this feeling. I like where I am.
Me: As you should.
Her: I don't get where you are coming from.
Me: You will in time, your young compared to my 38 years on the planet during the 70's and early 80's where bigotry was in your face and unapologetic. Youth and the millennia on your side, times are different. You have no concept of scraping your skin off because everyone hated that color and told you in your face. You have no idea about being hit in the chest at 40mph with jello being called a "Nigger". You have no idea what real fighting looks like because of the time we live currently. You only know of what is present on t.v. and in movies getting mad at yesterday and forgetting the fruits and gifts of today, you are young.
Her: I still don't understand what you are saying. I know that you deny your black heritage.
Me: You have no idea who or what I am until I tell you, we don't know each other but I do know your kind. Seeking validation in a world who doesn't see your blackness because your mixed. Trying to fit in and not belonging to anything or any group. Desperately clinging to  the piece of you that hasn't been sold while hating the parts that have nurtured you all this time, I know you. I have seen your kind. I have lost many friends to this notion.

 The conversation goes on and on like this because the youth did not get the kind of training we did as young black kids. The youth did not get the kind of understanding we did as young black kids. The youth of today is silver spoon fed jerks who believe they are entitled just by breathing have not worked a day in their lives to wear that angst like the rest of us older parties who have struggled with our identity and our place on this planet but they will someday and then again, maybe they won't. I am not a big fan of youth today, in some regard, due to lack of ambition and whining, they whine a lot. They whine about shit that we would just go out and do because that's just how it was. Today's youth are spoiled beyond necessity confinding mentally shredding their natural know how and could use a bit of humble pie deep in their faceholes. If I hear one more black youth tell me they want to be surrounded by other black people so that their shame is washed away by proxy I'll have to go insane and pour gasoline to their tightly coiled asshole and set them on fire. There is nothing worse than black youth hating their own skin and heritage while spreading ignorance publically. Hate begets hate, evil begets evil, stupid...you can sometimes fix but it seems to be forever in society. I have fought my way through the goblin city only to find what I already knew in my heart, I am a perfectly flawed American mutt whose history and heritage is rich like the soil to Mother Earth and vast like Father Sky. I am a part of everything big and small and the best and worst of humans. There is no rescue from outer space. Planet Nigris does not exist and there will be no one to come for us and take us home because we are already here. Once you embrace that every life is precious and that the only difference is skin color and how we were raised, things get easier and less one sided. If I could tell that young lady whose spirit is darkened by what she hopes to find out once the veil is lifted and have her truly hear what I am saying, would be a gift but that is not the world we live in and I am not a sherpa for lost black youths. I am my own island full of my own sharks waiting to take a taste of my beaten down soul when I fail to realize this notion of we are indeed one and they have not had the pleasure of my seasoning on their tongue either. It's not my job to teach every person who has this affliction but it is my duty to throw out wisdom wrapped in candy coated truth so that when they swallow it down it isn't as bitter as the rest of the world would serve it. I do that daily, isn't that enough? People say you learn when you teach, could be true for some. I never stop learning. If arrogance tried to wear me down like this young lady I would have given up long long ago, but I'm stubborn. I want peace. I want to be whole. I want to not forget but forgive. I want find that common place where my words don't hurt and someday I might but for this particular piece of unwanted bigotry competition dickery, I respectfully decline the invite.   Peace B Da Journey <3 p="">

Why Bother...?

Because you should at least try to understand the human race whether or not you agree or disagree, we are bonded by that genius human. 
Because it's the right thing to do and a very tasty way to confront your demons head on so that they remember you are in charge of them when you need them not the other way around.
Because the time is right now to take back what dignity you have left from all the partying and drugging and whoring to finally give something back besides your sperm or vagina.
Because the world needs more of our light, love and for the universe's sake energy that you have been wasting you whole life towards nothing and no one and everything that has nothing to do with...
Because now is all you have and tomorrow may never come.
Because that's how you give towards your karmic bank and fill it for someone else's faults to learn from and not keepsake this as your get out of jail free card.
Because...

Back in the Saddle

So I haven't really tried to write in a long time. I thought I would take some input or life or I was just too fucking lazy to do anything, mode. So I drank a bit, got hammered dog shit drunk, a few times, then turned my life completely into hermitsville. I work, I come home and hang out for a few, go to my Ma'am cave, smoke some pot and hit the yoga for an hour or more....because I can. Notice there wasn't a phone call nor a," I'm going to hang out with so-and so because it's Tuesday"...no. I don't hang out anymore and mainly because  of all the hustle and shit you have to maintain and talk about and socializing. I am done with the whole," Where are you from? What do you do? Who do you know at this party? Wanna go fuck in the bathroom", that type of thing. By the way, no one ever says that shit or I would get laid more often. People aren't personal any longer. Conversations that use to hold merit no longer drive up a stinking conversation let alone grab anyones attention. People today need instant gratification. Give me now! Gibe me more! Give me everything you got and then some, but the beast keeps crying louder and louder and louder.
This is exactly what I am saying, my head goes five millions places when I don't pay attention and write, shit goes ape shit! My mind will have one story to tell you but there's is this other interesting story that ties into the first story which will explain the second and third story, if you are patient we will all get though this. It is that very moment when I want to shoot my own head up my own ass. I know I know I am smarter than what I am writing but I truly can not stop. Jibberish is just running a muck. I had a point and now it has me...again. Not sure if anything I say makes sense but the point I am trying to make is that I have written in a ling time an dam mow finding out that I really am not writing towards anything or any specific goal so.....why the fuck do I write? I do not know anymore. I use to write to get all the anger out that kept me from being me around anyone. I kept fucking myself over and over and didn't realize that I am already fucked. Spitting out garbage just to hear the sound of anyone's voice other than my own and revoking the strange company who would have been good company. Here I am again telling you how anti-social I have become and you can't imagine why? I am trying to figure some shit out. I have these things in my head that tell me to....wait, that's not right. I've heard these things say to me...

Are they still listening?

Viva La Revolution!

Writing has eluded me for quite some time. I vow to write everyday but seem to not get quite there...almost, hmpf. Horseshoes and hand grenades, whatever. I took a vow of silence once...wow, and this is why I haven't written. I really don't have anything to write about. things that use to bug me don't and things that bug me know won't matter later. As I get older and people around me change I change with or without them but my views expand(which is changing if anyone was paying attention).  I could tell you stories about when I was younger and wanted to be Nadia Comaneci or how I was going to take over the world by not being a stereotype? I could tell you times of when I started getting into drugs....loosely, or I could tell you about a person who is still around but more of a follower than a front runner, if you get what I mean.
 After a horrible break up with, what I thought was, "The Love of My Life",  that person I began to think really hard as to what I would like to be. I thought, "If anything, I would not like to me my parents(cliche), says the child stamping her feet and making a face. I thought about what my family would say? What would my friends involved say? What would Jesus.....okay I went to far but, yeah. What Would Jesus Say? Nothing, because he's dead and the dead don't talk. I did reach an agreement with myself that from this day forward, I will no longer allow myself to miss out on life. What that meant to me was a series of unadulterated drunken crime sprees  through many pleasures that it has to offer. Where to begin? Portland Oregon!

                                                                  Portland Oregon

When I got to Portland Oregon I noticed two things:
1.) That was my first plane ride...EVER! Nearly shit my pants on take off and landing, thought we were going to fucking die.
2.) On my own, this was the second place  I have ever lived and it smelled like magic.
When I say magic I don't mean Leprechauns running through forests in search of their pot of gold or cute little fairies who assist you towards the happiest places on earth. I mean this place holds death, ya know...another kind of magic. You can smell the dead walking around sometimes at night. Waiting. Lurking, stalking. Digressing more and more.I first noticed the smell right from the plane but someone quickly corrected me by telling me that it was a paper mill some miles away. Neat. This is how the "Great NorthWestern" peeps rock it? Like L.A. yet less smog? Anywho, it smelled pretty bad like bad magic from a bad show you had to go with your kid sister and brother because you were like their guardian during the friggin day.
 Cat out of the bag.

Portland, well not really. I landed in Portland but rode towards Vancouver WA. This is where my best friend  lived at the time. There was some talk about "we" getting a place together and "we" traveling together but in the end, we were better off doing our own thang.

 I began with a goal in mind, like all mentally abused children who were told, "You know. You're not going anyplace on this earth being black and a woman,"?  Decided to not let that negative racists shit get me down anymore because I see how it effects my sisters and who they choose their time with...man! When I was younger. Things were said like," You think your White? You wanna be White! You act like a White Girl. You speak like a White girl. You dress like a White Girl," and so on. I tried on many hats in my youth but to be totally honest.? I am most at ease when I am just me. So that is who I became, slowly. Like trial and error, I battled many hair styles and outfits, eras and oddball stuff. At the end of the day, I wear what felt good and what I was in the mood for, check!. My hair, or lack thereof, ball, check! My attitude...well...
I carried around a metric assload of guilt, shame, anger, regret and few other colorful adjectives that served me none. But, I made sure I was the happy face people could depend on for a while.

I put my thinking cap on and said to myself,"Self! What do you want to be when you grow up,"? I said," Older,". Why would I want to be anything more than the sage I was destine to be? Why would I crave to be anything less than what was given to me to wield as I saw fit? And at that time, I could not tell you who I wanted to be honestly because I didn't know who I was. I was anything anyone else wanted me to be and I was that thing. I was happy when sad shit happened. I was a shoulder to cry on, a mover, a chef, a party planner, a bartender/cock-tailer, a Manager, a stylist," Hey?! Do you know any cute black girls to photo", the only black girl in the room/at a party/ on a boat/ at a metal show/ in Portland. What I'm getting at is,"There aren't a lot of black people doing the shit I was doing at the time"!
I continued to search for me.

I stripped. That's fucking A right I stripped! I'd fucking do it again if my body was as perky as it once was. It paid for school. Which is the biggest lie all strippers say but yes, I brought my homework with me sometimes. I would be the geeky girl in the back listening to...who knows what, mostly metal, doing my math homework. I get the shove from a girl that is was time for me to go on, and I went. No mystery. I told myself that I wasn't going to be a lifer like some of those girls, 40. Really honey, 40? If you haven't fucked your way to the top or whore your way into a mansion by now, give it up! 40 is fucking too old to be dancing for money. Anyway, I was going through med lab tech school when I got the news. "Your Mom is sick and she might not make it out of the hospital", shit. Needless to say, I couldn't keep school on track because I wanted to be able to have money to fly back and forth if anything happens so I quit, dumb. But I got to see her a few times before she passed away and that made me feel better about my decision.
Stripping is kind of where I found my independence, don't laugh. I wasn't one of those girl who masturbated at 13 nor was I the kind of girl who wore skimpy shit, I was a lady, with tomboy tendencies. Stripping taught me how to own my sexuality, read men( that I was not sleeping with mind you. Once you get the dick in and it's good, you night loose your fucking mind), feel sexy, empowered in my skin. I just loved my job and getting paid everyday, not a bad gig. Stripping also gave me my voice and how to use it properly. Having a silver tongue in a club will get you very far and sometimes, place you don't want to go.
 In this dizzying intellect lies great stories of triumphs and headaches or all sorts, which truly begin in...well. there you have it a strip Club. Many strip clubs, in fact, yet all in Portland. I lived in the Couv and worked in Portland, which was normal. Most people who live in the Couv work in P-Town.
Cheaper.
I had a driver and a bouncers at the door every night or day that I worked. I was careful, unlike some of the girls who shit where they ate and it ended terribly. Let's just say girl fights are lame and tedious. Lot's of hair pulling and name calling. Lot's of threats. And it all ends in tears. I was the only girl, at that time, who was not fucking someone in the bar industry while stripping. I saw the couples dwindle and fade fast in that industry. I really didn't get involved with many people in the beginning because it was scary to think that dumb bastard would come into the bar I was working and flip the fuck out. That has and will continue to happen till the end of time. Boys are dumb. Men are pillars. Men understand. Boys pout. this is the wisdom i bring fourth from the bowels of the club scene, lame. The Men who would frequent the club would bring their wives, were swingers. The Men who would bring their girlfriends, were cheating and the Men who would come alone we opportunists. This is now way the case these days or right all the time during those days but you get the general idea, simple. Just like slipping a girl a few pills and trowing her over a cliff in her car, like the old days? Anyone? If you let me. My mind will wonder all over this place and never come back.
 So, Stripping became a big part of growing up dirty. thus also began my sexual revolutions.

So much for girl power

There isn't a polite way to say this and forgive me if I mention some traits that pertain to you for this message is for the so-called girl power Fem-Nazi:

Stop! Stop trying to be polite to people you deem unworthy of your time and energy. Stop talking to people like they are three and are asking for a cookie. Stop pretending you are interested and know something of the subject when all you want to do is check your lipstick and see when the hills is coming on again. Stop making everyone's lives miserable by living amongst those who have a clue. Stop trying hard to be friends with someone who will never have your trust or respect, it is earned not given away like your virginity. Take off all that makeup because it makes you look older not hot. Humility is a word and should be used towards the mirror you stare into vastly as if it will talk back. no matter where you go, what you do, who you try to become, how you change your clothes to fit a mold foreign to your own, you will always be a blank piece of paper shifting towards nothing and gaining nothing in the meantime.
  You are less than a human and a fraction of what a woman should and can be. There is nothing redeeming about you or your flock of bobbelheads you call your close friends or what I would like to call them your fluffers. The very thought of you ever integrating into what we all call normal and respectful social interaction is appalling and frightful considering there isn't a soul withing the bunch. I pity you and your kind that walk aimlessly around desperately looking to pray on unsuspecting humans who believe you to be good and true.